Tv Show Quotes Quotes
1. Growing up I performed my own circumcision.
2. I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.
3. Never half-ass two things.
Full-ass one thing.
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4. Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.
5. Every so often, Jim dies of boredom.
6. I’m not a millionaire.
I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close.
Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30.
7. DID I STUTTER?
8. I run a small fake-ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station.
9. I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out.
10. Guess what, I have flaws. What are they?
Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower.
Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
11. One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
12. Michael always says, 'K-I-S-S, keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.
13. I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her.
Again, that could change.
14. I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.
15. Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying alone, or dying drunk in a ditch, don’t be.
It’s going to be OK.
16. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.
17. Ultimatums are key.
Basically nobody does anything for me unless I threaten to kill myself.
18. There are always a million reasons not to do something.
19. Why are you the way that you are?
20. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
21. I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat.
Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.
22. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
23. In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others.
I’ve been raising children since I was a baby.
24. Well, today was a fantastic waste of time.
25. I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
26. You guys I’m like really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, Kelly what’s the biggest company in the world?
And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer.
27. I don’t hate it.
I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.
28. My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.
29. I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
30. I work hard all day. I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
31. Newsflash: You are not special.
32. I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining.
I have varicose veins, too.
I have swollen ankles.
I’m constantly hungry.
Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too?
Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
33. Let's have an auction
34. We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.
35. And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.
36. That's what she said.
37. I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.
38. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.
39. It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong.
And if you don’t like it you can leave.
And I say the same thing to my current wife and I’ll say it to my next one, too.
40. "There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional."
The Office TV Show: Robert California (the new boss) on choosing Andy to be the manager of The Office.
41. No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.
42. If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
43. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
44. Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips out your heart for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then, suddenly, she’s not your ho no mo.
45. I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.
46. I am in an office relationship.
Mmm.. she's nice .. she's shy.
She's actually here if you wanna meet her.
47. I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?
48. You really do live in your own little world don't you?
49. If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.
50. The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters.
51. I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he’s clean, but I’m glad I did it.
52. It is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about.
So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.
53. Metadata - The story behind the data.
Getting information is one things, but how it was created - where and by whom - can often be illuminating.
Like most pics people post on Instagram or Facebook, they don't realize they just gifted whatever social media site their camera type, phone model, name and location - all hidden inside the photograph's metadata.
54. There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?
55. Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.
56. Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
57. Is any of it real?
A world built on fantasy. Synthetic emotions in the form of pills; psychological warfare in the form of advertising; mind-altering chemicals in the form of food; brainwashing seminars in the form of media; controlled isolated bubbles in the form of social networks. Real? You wanna talk about reality?
We haven't lived in anything remotely close to it since the turn of the century. We turned it off, took out the batteries, snacked on a bag of GMOs while we tossed the remnants in the ever expanding dumpster of the human condition. We live in branded houses trademarked by corporations built on bipolar numbers, jumping up and down on digital displays, hypnotising us into the biggest slumber mankind has ever seen. We live in a kingdom of bullshit; a kingdom you've lived in for far too long. So don't tell me about not being real. I'm no less real than the f***ing beef patty in your Big Mac.
58. I stopped caring a long time ago.
59. ’R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.
60. I still don’t understand why people like sports.
They get so emotional over the weirdest things.
But I do see the beauty in the rules.
The invisible code of chaos hiding behind the menacing face of order.
61. I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.