The Office Quotes
1. Whenever I'm about to do something, I think,
'Would an idiot do that?' and if they would,
I do not do that thing.
2. Let's have an auction
3. I don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo
4. You only live once?
You live every day.
You only die once.
5. Jim is my enemy.
But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend.
So Jim, is actually my friend.
But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy.
6. It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong.
And if you don’t like it you can leave.
And I say the same thing to my current wife and I’ll say it to my next one, too.
7. I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn.
I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers.
Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.
8. Ultimatums are key.
Basically nobody does anything for me unless I threaten to kill myself.
9. Well, today was a fantastic waste of time.
10. I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for … that is the life.
11. I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining.
I have varicose veins, too.
I have swollen ankles.
I’m constantly hungry.
Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too?
Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
12. Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?
13. Question: I have two coins totaling 15 cents.
One of them is not a nickel.
What are they?
Answer: A dime(10 cents) and a nickel(5 cents).
14. What are your weaknesses?
"I don't have any, a--hole"
15. Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
16. I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.
17. Growing up I performed my own circumcision.
18. When Pam's Mom asks her...
"So which one is Jim?"
19. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn.
And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one.
I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn't even talk yet.
20. I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.
21. Not everything is a lesson Ryan. Sometimes you just fail.
22. Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top.
I’ve read some of it.
Even for the Internet, it’s… pretty shocking.
23. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.
24. I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.
25. ’R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.
26. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
27. I am in an office relationship.
Mmm.. she's nice .. she's shy.
She's actually here if you wanna meet her.
28. Newsflash: You are not special.
29. I stopped caring a long time ago.
30. I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he’s clean, but I’m glad I did it.
31. Why are you the way that you are?
32. It is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about.
So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.
33. We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.
34. I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her.
Again, that could change.
35. Look, it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn’t have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?
36. Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause.
37. I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out.
38. There is no such things as an appropriate joke.
That's why it is a Joke!
39. I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat.
Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.
40. I’m not a millionaire.
I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close.
Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30.
41. Guess what, I have flaws. What are they?
Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower.
Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
42. My, philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.
43. Every so often, Jim dies of boredom.
44. Ok, too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences.
45. I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate…no.
But, I live by another rule:
Just do it…Nike.
46. There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?
47. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
48. Maybe we weren't right together, but, it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?
49. "There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional."
The Office TV Show: Robert California (the new boss) on choosing Andy to be the manager of The Office.
50. There are always a million reasons not to do something.
51. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
52. Would I rather be feared or loved?
I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
53. My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.
54. One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
55. Your body is a temple.
You have to respect it.
You can’t just whore it out.
56. Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying alone, or dying drunk in a ditch, don’t be.
It’s going to be OK.
57. I work hard all day. I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
58. I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.
59. No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.
60. I don’t hate it.
I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.
61. Oh my God it’s happening! Everybody stay calm. Stay f*cking calm!
62. Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice?
63. I used to be obese. Once you’ve conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion.
I’m not saying I’m Superman, but let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I’m pretty sure everything would be fine. I’d almost welcome it.