1. Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.
2. I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out.
3. Would I rather be feared or loved?
I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
4. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
5. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.
6. I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
7. I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
8. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
9. And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.
10. There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?
11. Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
12. One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
13. Mini cupcakes?
As in the mini version of regular cupcakes?
Which is already a mini version of cake?
Honestly, where does it end with you people?????
14. I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat.
Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.
15. That's what she said.
16. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
17. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.
18. I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.
19. What are your weaknesses?
"I don't have any, a--hole"
20. You only live once?
You live every day.
You only die once.
21. The doctor said, if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I'm going to die.
I'm going to die.
22. It takes an advanced sense of humor.
I don't expect everybody to understand.
23. I stopped caring a long time ago.
24. Whenever I'm about to do something, I think,
'Would an idiot do that?' and if they would,
I do not do that thing.
25. I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate…no.
But, I live by another rule:
Just do it…Nike.
26. In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others.
I’ve been raising children since I was a baby.
27. ’R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.
28. I’m not a millionaire.
I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close.
Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30.
29. Jim is my enemy.
But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend.
So Jim, is actually my friend.
But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy.
30. I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.
31. As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily.
They have to hit rock bottom.
So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom.
Um. I think I can do it.
32. I used to be obese. Once you’ve conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion.
I’m not saying I’m Superman, but let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I’m pretty sure everything would be fine. I’d almost welcome it.
33. Every so often, Jim dies of boredom.
34. Well, today was a fantastic waste of time.
35. Guess what, I have flaws. What are they?
Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower.
Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
36. My, philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.
37. If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
38. Nobody should have to go to work thinking, ‘Oh this is the place that I might die today.’ That’s what a hospital is for.
An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest. To the max.
To…an office is a place where dreams come true.
39. There are always a million reasons not to do something.
40. Why are you the way that you are?
41. Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips out your heart for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then, suddenly, she’s not your ho no mo.
42. Oh my God it’s happening! Everybody stay calm. Stay f*cking calm!
43. I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.
44. I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining.
I have varicose veins, too.
I have swollen ankles.
I’m constantly hungry.
Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too?
Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
45. I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for … that is the life.
46. Newsflash: You are not special.
47. DID I STUTTER?
48. It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong.
And if you don’t like it you can leave.
And I say the same thing to my current wife and I’ll say it to my next one, too.
49. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend.
And I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, which was just to wait.
For a really long time that’s all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend.
And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that I was waiting for my wife.
50. I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?
51. Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying alone, or dying drunk in a ditch, don’t be.
It’s going to be OK.
52. I work hard all day. I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
53. Ultimatums are key.
Basically nobody does anything for me unless I threaten to kill myself.
54. I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh.
55. Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick.
56. No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.
57. Look, it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn’t have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?
58. I run a small fake-ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station.
59. If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.
60. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.
61. My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.
62. Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause.
63. I don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo
64. It is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about.
So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.
65. Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?
66. I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.
67. Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.
68. I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he’s clean, but I’m glad I did it.
69. We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.
70. I don’t hate it.
I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.
71. The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters.
72. When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.
73. I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.
74. I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated.
75. As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it’s nice to be represented on one.
76. I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me.
77. Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.
78. Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice?
79. I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.
80. Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top.
I’ve read some of it.
Even for the Internet, it’s… pretty shocking.
81. Your body is a temple.
You have to respect it.
You can’t just whore it out.
82. I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn.
I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers.
Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.
83. Close your mouth, sweetie.
You look like a trout.
84. I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little.
But on pretzel day?
Well, I like pretzel day.
85. Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool.
Because they are un-understandable.
86. Let's have an auction
87. Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.
88. I think it's great that the company's making a commercial, because not very many people have heard of us.
I mean, when I tell people I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or...and frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.
89. Michael always says, 'K-I-S-S, keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.
90. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn't connect, I was miserable.
Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery.
91. You cheated on me?
When I specifically asked you not to?
92. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn.
And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one.
I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn't even talk yet.
93. I had a great summer. I got west nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it...
94. Ok, too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences.
95. Growing up I performed my own circumcision.
96. Kelly: Jim!!! Oh my god, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Sure! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amazing!
Jim: Wow! So, uh, what's new with you?
Kelly: I just told you.
97. Kelly: If I was you, I would just like, freak out and get really drunk, and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks.
98. I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her.
Again, that could change.
99. Maybe we weren't right together, but, it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?
100. There is no such things as an appropriate joke.
That's why it is a Joke!
101. I am in an office relationship.
Mmm.. she's nice .. she's shy.
She's actually here if you wanna meet her.
102. When Pam's Mom asks her...
"So which one is Jim?"