The best Sarcastic quotes, remarks, sayings and comments on life and relationships.
1. Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?
Tags: Psychology |
2. People, generally, suck.
3. Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.
4. Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
5. Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.
6. One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
7. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
8. Whenever I'm about to do something, I think,
'Would an idiot do that?' and if they would,
I do not do that thing.
9. I’m not a millionaire.
I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close.
Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30.
10. Why are you the way that you are?
11. Look, it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn’t have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?
12. Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top.
I’ve read some of it.
Even for the Internet, it’s… pretty shocking.
13. I had a great summer. I got west nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it...
14. Kelly: If I was you, I would just like, freak out and get really drunk, and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks.
15. InshaAllah (noun):
A Magical land where 99% of all promises, presence and punctuality is stored.
16. I'm sarcastic because punching people is so Haraam.
17. Some women have mood swings... others have mood theme parks.
18. You really do live in your own little world don't you?
19. the quickest way to a man's heart is through 4th and 5th ribs
20. A: [B], we tried things your way.
B: No, we didn't.
A: I did it in my head and it didn't work.
21. A: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.
22. A: So what do you have planned for the future?
A: No, like long term.
B: Oh...um, dinner?
23. Men cooking...
Because the last generation of mothers didn't teach their daughters shit
24. I can't believe this - both of my boyfriends are cheating on me.
25. Is it remotely possible for you to carry on a conversation that's not loaded down with manure?
26. Did you just fall?
No, I was checking if gravity still works.
27. My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
28. Wife: I have changed my mind.
Husband: Does the new one work?
29. My friend said, "What rhymes with banana?"
I replied: "No it doesn't".
30. When you wish upon a star...
you're actually a few million years late.
The star is dead.
Just like your dreams.
31. Silly me!
I never realized it's one rule for you and a completely different rule for me.
32. Oh, how double standard of you.
33. To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.
34. I hope you lose weight so there will be less of you.
35. I can only explain it to you. I cannot understand it for you.
36. I don’t know how that’s a good thing, but ok.
37. Well you obviously have a theory so why don’t YOU tell me.
38. I am learning so much from you. Thank you. I never thought of that.
39. That was an attempted humor.
40. so you two are together now... my condolences to both of you.
41. Seems like the only logical solution.
Tags: Sarcastic |
42. You seem very determined to dislike me.
43. Thank you. I feel much better.
Tags: Sarcastic |
44. You just made a surprising amount of sense.
45. You don’t give a monkey a gun.
46. That is a bit disturbing- on a couple of levels.
47. You’re not helping
I’m not trying to.
48. Right, that’s not weird at all.
49. Shall we commence the awkward car ride back home?
Tags: Sarcastic |
50. I have found the least funny person on the entire planet.