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Funny Quotes

Funny quotes that are actually funny. This is not a list of some junk funny quotes but they have been stress tested against the most grumpy of us and proved to make them laugh. So here it is - our list of the most hilarious funny one liners, sarcastically funny quotes and dark humor sayings we have.

Funny Quotes - A: Which movie are you and [C] going to see tonight? B: Oh, I always go to whichever movie [C] wants. A: Whi

1. A: Which movie are you and [C] going to see tonight?
B: Oh, I always go to whichever movie [C] wants.
A: Which one do they want to see?
B: I haven't decided yet.


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Funny Quotes - I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

2. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

- Mark Twain


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Funny Quotes - People, generally, suck.

3. People, generally, suck.

- Christopher Moore


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Funny Quotes - Just fight all your natural instincts and you will be great.

4. Just fight all your natural instincts and you will be great.

- Friends TV Show


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Funny Quotes - I'm trying to figure out if I love art enough to be poor.

5. I'm trying to figure out if I love art enough to be poor.

- Marina Keegan


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Funny Quotes - This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it

6. This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.

This was terrible with raisins in it

- Dorothy Parker


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Funny Quotes - Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a re

7. Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.

- Zig Ziglar


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Funny Quotes - Few People are alive just because killing is illegal.

8. Few People are alive just because killing is illegal.


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Funny Quotes - Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those

9. Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.

- Sheng Wang


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Funny Quotes - Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.

10. Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.

- Tamora Pierce


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Funny Quotes - I’m on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it.

11. I’m on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it.


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Funny Quotes - “Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It mean

12. “Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”

- Nicholas Sparks


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Funny Quotes - A: Between C, D, E, and F -- if you had to -- who would you punch? B: No one! They are my friends. I wouldn't

13. A: Between C, D, E, and F -- if you had to -- who would you punch?
B: No one! They are my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.
A: E?
B: Yeah, but I don't know why.


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Funny Quotes - If you're falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly. You've got nothing to lose.

14. If you're falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly.

You've got nothing to lose.

- John Sheridan


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Funny Quotes - the quickest way to a man's heart is through 4th and 5th ribs

15. the quickest way to a man's heart is through 4th and 5th ribs


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Funny Quotes - Light: i have feelings for you Misa: you do? Light: yes. i feel you're a little bit annoying

16. Light: i have feelings for you
Misa: you do?
Light: yes. i feel you're a little bit annoying


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Funny Quotes - The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tire

17. The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

- Dorothy Parker


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Funny Quotes - I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.

18. I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.


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Funny Quotes - A: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think. B: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.

19. A: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.
B: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.


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Funny Quotes - Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

20. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

- Albert Einstein


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Funny Quotes - Hoseok: why do you watch so much murder stuff? Yoongi: just in case you slip up.

21. Hoseok: why do you watch so much murder stuff?
Yoongi: just in case you slip up.


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Funny Quotes - Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

22. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

- Steven Wright


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Funny Quotes - I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

23. I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

- Scott Adams


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Funny Quotes - A: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism. B: And y

24. A: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.
B: And you came to me?


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Funny Quotes - How I feel when there is no coffee? Depresso.

25. How I feel when there is no coffee?

Depresso.


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Funny Quotes - Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make

26. Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

- Garrison Keillor


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Funny Quotes - my love for you is like diarrhea - i just can't hold it in

27. my love for you is like diarrhea - i just can't hold it in


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Funny Quotes - Your hair is 90% of your selfie.

28. Your hair is 90% of your selfie.


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Funny Quotes - I won't be impressed with technology until I can download Chocolate.

29. I won't be impressed with technology until I can download Chocolate.


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Funny Quotes - Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

30. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

- Robert A. Heinlein


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Funny Quotes - taehung: i'm so useless yoongi: no you're not yoongi: you can be used as a bad example

31. taehung: i'm so useless
yoongi: no you're not
yoongi: you can be used as a bad example


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Funny Quotes - I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.

32. I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.


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Funny Quotes - I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

33. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

- Douglas Adams


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Funny Quotes - A: You think you're smarter than everyone else. B: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.

34. A: You think you're smarter than everyone else.
B: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.


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Funny Quotes - A: *Answers phone.* Hello? B: It's [B]. A: What did s/he do this time? B: No, it's me, [B]. It's actually m

35. A: *Answers phone.* Hello?
B: It's [B].
A: What did s/he do this time?
B: No, it's me, [B]. It's actually me.
A: What did you do this time?


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Funny Quotes - I’m not mad you told all my friends I’m a psycho. They’re my friends, they already know.

36. I’m not mad you told all my friends I’m a psycho. They’re my friends, they already know.


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Funny Quotes - Falling in love is a secret ambition, finding true love is the greatest tension, So follow the oldest traditio

37. Falling in love is a secret ambition, finding true love is the greatest tension, So follow the oldest tradition, And marry your parent's decision.


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Funny Quotes - Birthdays are a scam. They were invented by Hallmarks to sell cards.

38. Birthdays are a scam. They were invented by Hallmarks to sell cards.

- Ron Swanson


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Funny Quotes - Vegetarian is an old Indian word for "Bad Hunter".

39. Vegetarian is an old Indian word for "Bad Hunter".


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Funny Quotes - I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them cats.

40. I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them cats.

- Eckhart Tolle


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Funny Quotes - I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

41. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

- Oscar Wilde


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Funny Quotes - Don't give me your opinion give me SHAWARMA.

42. Don't give me your opinion give me SHAWARMA.


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Funny Quotes - Dear Frozen Yoghurt, You are the celery of desserts. Be Ice Cream, or be nothing.

43. Dear Frozen Yoghurt,

You are the celery of desserts.

Be Ice Cream, or be nothing.

- Ron Swanson


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Funny Quotes - Humor is reason gone mad.

44. Humor is reason gone mad.

- Groucho Marx


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Funny Quotes - I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

45. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

- Douglas Adams


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Funny Quotes - Love is blind, it is the marriage that's the eye-opener.

46. Love is blind, it is the marriage that's the eye-opener.


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Funny Quotes - When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to

47. When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.

- Stephen King


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Funny Quotes - There is no sadness that cannot be cured by breakfast food.

48. There is no sadness that cannot be cured by breakfast food.

- Ron Swanson


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Funny Quotes - Words cannot express how much I don't care.

49. Words cannot express how much I don't care.


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Funny Quotes - Confidence level: selfie with no filter.

50. Confidence level: selfie with no filter.


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Funny Quotes - How can a living man be a person who has nothing to lose? This is very absurd! Even a dead man has somet

51. How can a living man be a person who has nothing to lose?

This is very absurd!

Even a dead man has something to lose: His coffin!

- Mehmet Murat Ildan


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Funny Quotes - Veganism is a sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

52. Veganism is a sad result of a morally corrupt mind.

Reconsider your life.

- Ron Swanson


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Funny Quotes - A: [B], we tried things your way. B: No, we didn't. A: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

53. A: [B], we tried things your way.
B: No, we didn't.
A: I did it in my head and it didn't work.


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Funny Quotes - This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.

54. This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.

- George V. Higgins


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Funny Quotes - Allison: why would you give a knife to a child? Diego: Claire felt unsafe Allison: now i feel unsafe Diego:

55. Allison: why would you give a knife to a child?
Diego: Claire felt unsafe
Allison: now i feel unsafe
Diego: I'm sorry
Diego: ... would you like a knife


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Funny Quotes - Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.

56. Don’t be ashamed of who you are.

That’s your parent’s job.


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Funny Quotes - Hephaestus: Sorry mom, called you by accident Hera: No worries. Had you on accident

57. Hephaestus: Sorry mom, called you by accident

Hera: No worries. Had you on accident


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Funny Quotes - People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

58. People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

- Christopher Paolini


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Funny Quotes - It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

59. It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

- Friedrich Nietzsche


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Funny Quotes - Be proud of your extra pounds. Studies state that fat people are harder to kidnap

60. Be proud of your extra pounds.

Studies state that fat people are harder to kidnap


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Funny Quotes - I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!

61. I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!


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