Funny quotes that are actually funny. This is not a list of some junk funny quotes but they have been stress tested against the most grumpy of us and proved to make them laugh. So here it is - our list of the most hilarious funny one liners, sarcastically funny quotes and dark humor sayings we have.
1. “Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
2. I won't be impressed with technology until I can download Chocolate.
3. phool lekar phool aaye phool kar maine kaha
phool kyun laaye ho saahab tum to khud hi phool ho
4. Dear Frozen Yoghurt,
You are the celery of desserts.
Be Ice Cream, or be nothing.
5. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
6. *Results Day*
Mum: What did you get?
Me: Quotes Quran, Al-hadid, 57:20
"And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion."
7. Funny how people mock the Islamic dress codes, yet on graduation day they all wear clothes similar to jubbah to look modest and successful.
8. Light: i have feelings for you
Misa: you do?
Light: yes. i feel you're a little bit annoying
9. Meethi Meethi Yaadon Ko Palkon Pe Saja Lena
Saath Guzre Lamhon Ko Dil Mein Basa Lena
Main To Barason Ka Pyasa Hoon Faraaz
Bijli Aa Jaaye To Yaad Se Motar Chala Dena
मीठी मीठी यादों को पलकों पे सजा लेना,
साथ गुज़रे लम्हों को दिल में बसा लेना,
मैं तो बरसों का प्यासा हूँ, 'फराज़',
बिजली आ जाये तो याद से मोटर चला देना।
10. I don't know if you know this, but dolphins ain't fish. They is like us, they is mammaries.
- Ali G
11. Wo Tumhen DP Dikhaakar Gumraah Karegi
Magar Tum Aadhaar Card Par Ade Rahana
12. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
13. Gyro: alright so you and I are married
Johnny: we are not married
Gyro: it's a pretend.
Johnny: I don't wanna pretend/
Gyro: scared you'll like it?
Johnny: okay if we're married, I want a divorce.
Diego: Are you two like this all the time?
Hot Pants: yes, they are.
14. Jab Koyi Zindagi Mein Bahut Khaas Ban Jaye
Uske Baare Mein Sochna Hi Uska Ehsaas Ban Jaye
To Maang Lena Khuda Se Usey Zindagi Bhar Ke Liye
Issey Pehle Ke Uski Maa Kisi Aur Ki Saas Ban Jaye
जब कोई ज़िन्दगी में बहुत ख़ास बन जाए,
उसके बारे में सोचना ही उसका एहसास बन जाए,
तो मांग लेना खुदा से उसे जिंदगी भर के लिए,
इस से पहले की उसकी माँ किसी और की सास बन जाए।
15. I'm sarcastic because punching people is so Haraam.
16. I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them cats.
17. That Hijab bun...
is tooo damn high!
18. Allison: why would you give a knife to a child?
Diego: Claire felt unsafe
Allison: now i feel unsafe
Diego: I'm sorry
Diego: ... would you like a knife
19. When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.
20. I can only please one person a day.
Today isn’t your day.
Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.
21. Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.
22. A: *Answers phone.* Hello?
B: It's [B].
A: What did s/he do this time?
B: No, it's me, [B]. It's actually me.
A: What did you do this time?
23. Humor is reason gone mad.
24. Post-Iftar Pregnancy
25. Me: *buys black scarf*
Family: "You already have a hundred other black scarfs"
Me: "but feel the material on this one, the texture is different"
26. Democracy is very different in US and A from Kazakhstan. In America, woman can vote, but horse cannot!
27. I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.
28. People: What's under your niqab?
Me: My face. What's under your makeup?
29. #BarbieGirlMix #MuslimVersion
I'm a Hijabi girl, in the Western world
Life Islamic, it's fantastic!
You can't see my hair
Or touch me anywhere
Submission to Allah, not his creation
[Cmon hijabi lets go party]
No no no nooo
[Cmon hijabi lets go party]
NO Harami! You Harami!
30. “as fuck” is my favorite unit of measurement.
31. My mosque posted a sign after Jummah Prayer, "To the brother who stole our AC, you can keep it. It's hot where you are going."
32. Veganism is a sad result of a morally corrupt mind.
Reconsider your life.
33. There is no sadness that cannot be cured by breakfast food.
34. ab ke phir eid card mein usne
lafz ik be-dhyaan likha hai
phir meri Eid kirkiri kar di
phir mujhe bhai jaan likha hai
35. People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.
36. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
37. Love is blind, it is the marriage that's the eye-opener.
38. *When you have to swerve a marriage proposal*
"Istikhara says No"
39. Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
40. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
41. Food is the only beautiful thing that nourishes.
42. About 1 billion animals killed each day by KFC, McDonalds, Burger King etc. and no one bats an eye.
During Eid Al Adha, Muslims sacrifice them to feed poor people and everyone loses their mind.
43. I'm trying to figure out if I love art enough to be poor.
44. the quickest way to a man's heart is through 4th and 5th ribs
45. A: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.
B: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.
46. Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
47. A: [B], we tried things your way.
B: No, we didn't.
A: I did it in my head and it didn't work.
48. my love for you is like diarrhea - i just can't hold it in
49. Kis Kis Ka Naam Lein Apni Barbadi Mein
Bahut Log Aaye The Duayein Dene Shaadi Mein
किस किस का नाम लें अपनी बरबादी में,
बहुत लोग आये थे दुआएं देने शादी में।
50. Reading Aytal-kursi and blowing it on your exam paper before you begin cos you don't know what shaytanic questions you're about to see...
51. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
52. taehung: i'm so useless
yoongi: no you're not
yoongi: you can be used as a bad example
53. A: That sounds like a terrible plan.
B: Oh, we've had worse.
54. People: You are allowed to drive?
Me: No, I took a magic carpet ride here.
55. A: Which movie are you and [C] going to see tonight?
B: Oh, I always go to whichever movie [C] wants.
A: Which one do they want to see?
B: I haven't decided yet.
56. A: I trusted you!
57. Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.
58. When Zawjati says you can't have a second wife:
"Don't tempt me to make you shaheed tonight. I am 4 wives in one."
59. It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
60. Aye Gulaab Apni Khushbu Ko
Mere Doston Par Nichaawar Kar De
Yeh Sardi Ke Mausam Mein
Aksar Nahaya Nahi Karte
ए गुलाब अपनी खुशबू को
मेरे दोस्तों पर न्योछावर कर दे,
यह सर्दी के मौसम में
अक्सर नहाया नहीं करते।
61. mosque is the house of God not a place to drink
go inside the heart of a disbeliever, there is no God there
masjid khuda ka ghar hai piine ki jagah nahin
kafir ke dil mein jaa, wahan par khuda nahin
मस्जिद ख़ुदा का घर है, पीने की जगह नहीं ,
काफिर के दिल में जा वहाँ ख़ुदा नहीं .
Hey do you speak Islam?
Yeah I speak Islam. I'm from Muslimstan, and i follow the shawarma law.