Funny quotes that are actually funny. This is not a list of some junk funny quotes but they have been stress tested against the most grumpy of us and proved to make them laugh. So here it is - our list of the most hilarious funny one liners, sarcastically funny quotes and dark humor sayings we have.
1. A: Which movie are you and [C] going to see tonight?
B: Oh, I always go to whichever movie [C] wants.
A: Which one do they want to see?
B: I haven't decided yet.
2. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
3. People, generally, suck.
4. Just fight all your natural instincts and you will be great.
5. I'm trying to figure out if I love art enough to be poor.
6. This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
This was terrible with raisins in it
7. Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.
8. Few People are alive just because killing is illegal.
9. Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
10. Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.
11. I’m on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it.
12. “Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
13. A: Between C, D, E, and F -- if you had to -- who would you punch?
B: No one! They are my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.
B: Yeah, but I don't know why.
14. If you're falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly.
You've got nothing to lose.
15. the quickest way to a man's heart is through 4th and 5th ribs
16. Light: i have feelings for you
Misa: you do?
Light: yes. i feel you're a little bit annoying
17. The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
18. I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.
19. A: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.
B: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.
20. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
21. Hoseok: why do you watch so much murder stuff?
Yoongi: just in case you slip up.
22. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
23. I love you like a fat kid loves cake!
24. A: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.
B: And you came to me?
25. How I feel when there is no coffee?
26. Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
27. my love for you is like diarrhea - i just can't hold it in
28. Your hair is 90% of your selfie.
29. I won't be impressed with technology until I can download Chocolate.
30. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
31. taehung: i'm so useless
yoongi: no you're not
yoongi: you can be used as a bad example
32. I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
33. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
34. A: You think you're smarter than everyone else.
B: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.
35. A: *Answers phone.* Hello?
B: It's [B].
A: What did s/he do this time?
B: No, it's me, [B]. It's actually me.
A: What did you do this time?
36. I’m not mad you told all my friends I’m a psycho. They’re my friends, they already know.
37. Falling in love is a secret ambition, finding true love is the greatest tension, So follow the oldest tradition, And marry your parent's decision.
38. Birthdays are a scam. They were invented by Hallmarks to sell cards.
39. Vegetarian is an old Indian word for "Bad Hunter".
40. I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them cats.
41. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
42. Don't give me your opinion give me SHAWARMA.
43. Dear Frozen Yoghurt,
You are the celery of desserts.
Be Ice Cream, or be nothing.
44. Humor is reason gone mad.
45. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
46. Love is blind, it is the marriage that's the eye-opener.
47. When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.
48. There is no sadness that cannot be cured by breakfast food.
49. Words cannot express how much I don't care.
50. Confidence level: selfie with no filter.
51. How can a living man be a person who has nothing to lose?
This is very absurd!
Even a dead man has something to lose: His coffin!
52. Veganism is a sad result of a morally corrupt mind.
Reconsider your life.
53. A: [B], we tried things your way.
B: No, we didn't.
A: I did it in my head and it didn't work.
54. This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.
55. Allison: why would you give a knife to a child?
Diego: Claire felt unsafe
Allison: now i feel unsafe
Diego: I'm sorry
Diego: ... would you like a knife
56. Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parent’s job.
57. Hephaestus: Sorry mom, called you by accident
Hera: No worries. Had you on accident
58. People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.
59. It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
60. Be proud of your extra pounds.
Studies state that fat people are harder to kidnap
61. I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!