You cannot raise your children the way your parents raised you ...
1. You cannot raise your children the way your parents raised you, because they raised you for a world that no longer exists.
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2. Mothers, look after your daughters, keep them near you, keep their confidence – that they may be true and faithful.
3. Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother
Tags: Parenting |
4. The most precious jewels you’ll ever have around your neck are the arms your children
5. Dear mom, I get it now.
6. All children should be taught to unconditionally accept, approve, admire, appreciate, forgive, trust, and ultimately, love their own person.
7. It's not politically correct to say that you love one child more than you love your others.
I love all of my kids, period, and they're all your favorites in different ways.
But ask any parent who's been through some kind of crisis surrounding a child--a health scare, an academic snarl, an emotional problem--and we will tell you the truth.
When something upends the equilibrium--when one child needs you more than the others--that imbalance becomes a black hole.
You may never admit it out loud, but the one you love the most is the one who needs you more desperately than his siblings.
What we really hope is that each child gets a turn. That we have deep enough reserves to be there for each of them, at different times.
All this goes to hell when two of your children are pitted against each other, and both of them want you on their side.
8. Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.
9. Parents are humans, and we often have children that we can relate to better - maybe have personality that's more like ours - or interests that are more similar to ours.
10. If children feel there is some favoritism going on in the family, it can potentially create some real problems
11. Sibling rivalry is just one result of playing favorites by parents.
While some experts believe growing up with a little competition isn't a bad thing, too much could create a wedge between siblings that could last a lifetime.
12. It doesn't necessarily mean that parents should treat each kid exactly equally because its unlikely the kids need the same thing.
Say one child is getting more attention for their school work than other, it maybe because that child needs that kind of support.
13. How can you tell you are playing favorites?
Your child will speak up if they are feeling left out and it's important to not ignore what they have to say.
14. You see kids where each of them believe they are their parents favorites. And that means that the parents have done a pretty good job.
15. If you ask who is my favorite child - my son or my daughter - then I would say it is my dog.
16. The uncertainty of parenting can bring up feelings in us that range from frustration to terror.
17. You learn about anger in the family you grow up in; you watch and listen to the adults around you who model for you how and when to express it. And you learn that it can be respected, that it can be avoided, or that it can be abusive.
18. Some parents intentionally hurt and abuse - they absolutely know what they are doing. But some (obviously) do not.
19. Sometimes the boundaries need reinforcing from time to time. This may sound like a parent-child relationship - and it is that way. But we are not doing it in an authoritarian way, we are doing it in a friendly, supportive way. But we are also being assertive about our boundaries being understood and respected.
20. Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice.
21. A father is someone you look up to no matter how tall you grow.
22. I only hope when I have my own family that everyday I see a little more of my father in me.
23. Do I want to be a hero to my son? No. I would like to be a very real human being. That's hard enough.
24. A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men
25. It starts in the home. If the father is not in the home, the boy will find a father in the streets. I saw it in my generation and every generation before me, and every one since
26. I think [parenthood] brings out the child in all of us. That’s what’s so beautiful. It reminds you of the fascination you had with things, and how you can spend hours just being with someone. It’s amazing
27. I’m a great dad because I know what it’s like not to be a good dad.
28. What makes you a man isn't the ability to have a child—it's the courage to raise one.
29. The source of Mom guilt can come from past trauma. It can also come if you are parenting with OCD or mental health conditions. Or if you are trying a parenting strategy that you think your parents didn't do quiet well.
30. Love your kids on your terms - in your own amazing way — and don’t let what others are doing (or saying) put out your parenting fire.
31. There will be so many times you will feel like you've failed, but in the eyes, heart and mind of your child, you are always a Super Mom.
32. Why did you choose to live with your dad, my son? Don't you love me?
Son: I love you Mom. But I know that he will need me more.
33. Physical punishment involves the use of physical force with the intention of causing the child to experience bodily pain or discomfort so as to correct or punish the child's behavior. This includes spanking, hitting, pinching, paddling, whipping, slapping, and so on.
34. Meta-analyses of hundreds of studies document that physical punishment is associated with: verbal and physical aggression; delinquent, antisocial, and criminal behavior; poorer quality of parent-child relationships; impaired mental health; and later abuse of one's own spouse and children.
35. Talk and use words instead of actions—speak rather than hit. Talk with the child about what behaviors are acceptable or not, what is safe or dangerous, and why.
36. Listen to the child—find out why he/she did or did not do something.
Explain your reasons; this will enhance the child's decision-making capacities.
The nine inborn feelings (interest, enjoyment, surprise, distress, anger, fear, shame, disgust, and dismal) should be labeled with words. This will facilitate tension regulation and aid the transition to more mature ways of handling emotion.
Positive reinforcement—rewards and praise—will enhance the child's self-esteem when appropriate standards are met. Positive reinforcement is more effective in obtaining long-term behavioral compliance than frightening and shaming punishments.
Set a good example for the child. The child wants to be like the parents. Children identify with their parents, and they will put feelings and actions into words when they see their parents doing this. Who the parents are, and how they behave, will have a profound impact on the development of their children. Your child will follow your lead.
37. Any form of corporal punishment or 'spanking' is a violent attack upon another human being's integrity. The effect remains with the victim forever and becomes an unforgiving part of his or her personality--a massive frustration resulting in a hostility which will seek expression in later life in violent acts towards others. The sooner we understand that love and gentleness are the only kinds of called-far behavior towards children, the better. The child, especially, learns to become the kind of human being that he or she has experienced. This should be fully understood by all caregivers.
38. In the short term, corporal punishment may produce obedience. But it is a fact documented by research that in the long term the results are inability to learn, violence and rage, bullying, cruelty, inability to feel another's pain, especially that of one's own children, even drug addiction and suicide, unless there are enlightened or at least helping witnesses on hand to prevent that development.
39. I learned discipline from my father. Not in terms of corporal punishment, but being determined in whatever you do, and sticking with it.
40. Too bad for any parent who has become accustomed to ruling by force, because at some point the kids just get too big to slap around.
41. Teaching kids good manners is teaching them about kindness, consideration, and respect.
42. Even though it will never be flat again, my stomach’s still my favorite because it reminds me of my greatest achievement: my babies.
43. You cannot raise your children the way your parents raised you, because they raised you for a world that no longer exists.
44. and whining doesn’t get the attention, it often just goes away.
45. How is your relationship with Anger? What did my parents teach me about anger that I picked up as I was growing up.
If the message you picked up is “Anger is not good” and “you should hide it”, that is not how we should deal with our feelings.
46. Kids can exhibit favoritism between mom and dad.
This can hurt the feelings of the parent.
The obvious feeling is feeling rejected,
“I HATE YOU MOM.”
That’s rejection plus lack of respect.
Usually, they don’t mean it.
47. When our child is rejecting us, spewing stuff at us and hurting our feelings, you need to say to yourself
“This isn’t about me. What they are saying is not a gauge for my own self worth. I am a good parent. This child is having a hard time. I will help them through it.”
48. If you have a strong-willed child, chances are that you were also a strong-willed child (or maybe a compliant people pleasing child, and strong will seems so foreign to you).
These are the reasons that may develop anger in parents if they have a strong willed child.
49. Don’t take the bait of a strong-willed child and make a situation “Me vs My Child”.
A strong willed child can make you react like it’s a power struggle situation.
It should always be “US vs the problem”.
50. When you are having a tough time with your kids, remember that you are there to guide your child.
They don’t need you to be a compliance police officer. The only way for you to be that coach is to take a deep inhale and a deep exhale.
51. Are you allowing your kids to take a reasonable risk?
Or are you being overprotective of the risks that they take?
Mostly raising your children involves a lot of your own fear.
52. Whenever your partner or your kids say or do something that is not acceptable, before responding ask yourself
“Do I want to help or Do I want to hurt?”
“Do I want to punish or discipline?”
53. Never in the history of the world someone has calmed down or relaxed when you say “Calm Down” or “Relax”.
54. Every time you want to scream at your kid but you don’t, and you are able to stop and breathe, re channeling it into something constructive.
Every time you do that, you’re actually re-wiring your brain and overtime it gets a lot easier.
55. A lot of things that we think our spouse or kids “should” do, the ability to self-regulate, be motivated, respectful, and complying by the boundaries and rules - all of those things are skills.
They are struggling, and they need skills and you are there to coach them, not be angry at them every time they have a slip up or say something that trigger you.
Compassion will just come naturally.
56. When you have a kid that comes to you and says that they are upset because they didn’t get something, it doesn’t mean that they are ungrateful to you.
It can also mean that they are feeling disappointed.
Gratitude is not something that you’re born with, it is a learned skill.
57. Ventilation of anger.
Many people think that letting anger out or catharsis of anger reduces anger escalation. Some parents and groups teach children to rip up magazines and throw things when they get angry. What really happens when you get angry and let it all out?
Research suggests that Ventilation of anger simply rehearses anger.