When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a u ...
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1. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn.
And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one.
I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn't even talk yet.
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2. Just have a little faith
3. Birthdays are a scam. They were invented by Hallmarks to sell cards.
4. Nothing else matters - only us.
5. Never half-ass two things.
Full-ass one thing.
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6. You are one constant in a sea of variables.
7. I still don’t understand why people like sports.
They get so emotional over the weirdest things.
But I do see the beauty in the rules.
The invisible code of chaos hiding behind the menacing face of order.
8. People should get what they deserve.
9. Is any of it real?
A world built on fantasy. Synthetic emotions in the form of pills; psychological warfare in the form of advertising; mind-altering chemicals in the form of food; brainwashing seminars in the form of media; controlled isolated bubbles in the form of social networks. Real? You wanna talk about reality?
We haven't lived in anything remotely close to it since the turn of the century. We turned it off, took out the batteries, snacked on a bag of GMOs while we tossed the remnants in the ever expanding dumpster of the human condition. We live in branded houses trademarked by corporations built on bipolar numbers, jumping up and down on digital displays, hypnotising us into the biggest slumber mankind has ever seen. We live in a kingdom of bullshit; a kingdom you've lived in for far too long. So don't tell me about not being real. I'm no less real than the f***ing beef patty in your Big Mac.
10. Why do they fight so desperately to mask what they are?
Or is it that they become who they are when they put on the mask?
Sometimes I wonder what you hide behind, my silent friend.
What mask do you wear?
Or are you just as afraid as the rest of them?
11. You know, but you are going to ignore it.
You know why?
Because that is what we do.
We all have them.
Every relationship is a power struggle.
Some of us need to be controlled.
Once in a while, the best course of action is to just ride shotgun.
Stare at the road ahead, and hope it leads somewhere you want to go.
13. Metadata - The story behind the data.
Getting information is one things, but how it was created - where and by whom - can often be illuminating.
Like most pics people post on Instagram or Facebook, they don't realize they just gifted whatever social media site their camera type, phone model, name and location - all hidden inside the photograph's metadata.
14. Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.
15. I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out.
16. Would I rather be feared or loved?
I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
17. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
18. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.
19. I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
20. I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
21. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
22. And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.
23. There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?
24. Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
25. One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
26. Mini cupcakes?
As in the mini version of regular cupcakes?
Which is already a mini version of cake?
Honestly, where does it end with you people?????
27. I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat.
Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.
28. That's what she said.
29. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
30. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.
31. I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.
32. What are your weaknesses?
"I don't have any, a--hole"
33. You only live once?
You live every day.
You only die once.
34. The doctor said, if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I'm going to die.
I'm going to die.
35. It takes an advanced sense of humor.
I don't expect everybody to understand.
36. I stopped caring a long time ago.
37. Whenever I'm about to do something, I think,
'Would an idiot do that?' and if they would,
I do not do that thing.
38. I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate…no.
But, I live by another rule:
Just do it…Nike.
39. In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others.
I’ve been raising children since I was a baby.
40. ’R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.
41. I’m not a millionaire.
I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close.
Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30.
42. Jim is my enemy.
But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend.
So Jim, is actually my friend.
But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy.
43. I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.
44. As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily.
They have to hit rock bottom.
So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom.
Um. I think I can do it.
45. I used to be obese. Once you’ve conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion.
I’m not saying I’m Superman, but let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I’m pretty sure everything would be fine. I’d almost welcome it.
46. Every so often, Jim dies of boredom.
47. Well, today was a fantastic waste of time.
48. Guess what, I have flaws. What are they?
Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower.
Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
49. My, philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.
50. If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
51. Nobody should have to go to work thinking, ‘Oh this is the place that I might die today.’ That’s what a hospital is for.
An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest. To the max.
To…an office is a place where dreams come true.
52. There are always a million reasons not to do something.
53. Why are you the way that you are?
54. Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips out your heart for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then, suddenly, she’s not your ho no mo.
55. Oh my God it’s happening! Everybody stay calm. Stay f*cking calm!
56. I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.
57. I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining.
I have varicose veins, too.
I have swollen ankles.
I’m constantly hungry.
Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too?
Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
58. I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for … that is the life.
59. Newsflash: You are not special.
60. DID I STUTTER?
61. It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong.
And if you don’t like it you can leave.
And I say the same thing to my current wife and I’ll say it to my next one, too.