I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying ...

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1. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

- Mark Twain


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2. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

- Albert Einstein


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3. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

- Douglas Adams


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4. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

- Robert A. Heinlein


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5. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

- George Carlin


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6. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

- W.C. Fields


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7. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

- Douglas Adams


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8. When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.

- Stephen King


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9. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

- Mark Twain


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10. It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

- Friedrich Nietzsche


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11. “Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”

- Nicholas Sparks


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12. If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.

- Terry Pratchett


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13. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

- Steven Wright


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14. Few People are alive just because killing is illegal.


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15. I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.


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16. Food is the only beautiful thing that nourishes.


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17. Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.

- Tamora Pierce


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18. There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

- Oscar Wilde


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19. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

- Oscar Wilde


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20. Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.

- Sheng Wang


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21. Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.

- Zig Ziglar


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22. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

- Ellen DeGeneres


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23. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

- Groucho Marx


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24. Humor is reason gone mad.

- Groucho Marx


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25. People, generally, suck.

- Christopher Moore


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26. I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

- Matt Groening


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27. People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

- Christopher Paolini


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28. What religion I follow? It is called none-of-your-business.

- Ron Swanson


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29. I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them cats.

- Eckhart Tolle


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30. Dear Frozen Yoghurt,

You are the celery of desserts.

Be Ice Cream, or be nothing.

- Ron Swanson


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31. Love is blind, it is the marriage that's the eye-opener.


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32. Love is like peeing your pants everyone can see it but only you can feel it.

Thanks for being the pee in my pants.


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33. I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.


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