1. Humor is reason gone mad.
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2. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
3. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
4. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
5. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
6. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
7. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
8. When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.
9. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
10. It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
11. “Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
12. If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.
13. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
14. Few People are alive just because killing is illegal.
15. I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.
16. Food is the only beautiful thing that nourishes.
17. Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.
18. There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
19. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
20. Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
21. Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.
22. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
23. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
24. Humor is reason gone mad.
25. People, generally, suck.
26. I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.
27. People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.
28. What religion I follow? It is called none-of-your-business.
29. I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them cats.
30. Dear Frozen Yoghurt,
You are the celery of desserts.
Be Ice Cream, or be nothing.
31. Love is blind, it is the marriage that's the eye-opener.
32. Love is like peeing your pants everyone can see it but only you can feel it.
Thanks for being the pee in my pants.
33. I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.