How can a living man be a person who has nothing to lose? T ...

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1. How can a living man be a person who has nothing to lose?

This is very absurd!

Even a dead man has something to lose: His coffin!

- Mehmet Murat Ildan


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2. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

- Albert Einstein


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3. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

- Douglas Adams


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4. Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

- Garrison Keillor


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5. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

- Robert A. Heinlein


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6. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

- George Carlin


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7. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

- W.C. Fields


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8. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

- Douglas Adams


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9. When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.

- Stephen King


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10. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

- Mark Twain


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11. It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

- Friedrich Nietzsche


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12. “Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”

- Nicholas Sparks


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13. If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.

- Terry Pratchett


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14. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

- Steven Wright


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15. Few People are alive just because killing is illegal.


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16. I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!


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17. Your inappropriateness knows no boundaries.


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18. What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel.

A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels.

And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON EARTH!


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19. I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.


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20. There are only two things in life that come without effort - failure and dandruff.


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21. Just fight all your natural instincts and you will be great.

- Friends TV Show


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22. Falling in love is a secret ambition, finding true love is the greatest tension, So follow the oldest tradition, And marry your parent's decision.


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23. Food is the only beautiful thing that nourishes.


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24. Birthdays are a scam. They were invented by Hallmarks to sell cards.

- Ron Swanson


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25. Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.

- Tamora Pierce


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26. There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

- Oscar Wilde


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27. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

- Oscar Wilde


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28. Black holes are where God divided by zero.

- Albert Einstein


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29. Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.

- Sheng Wang


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30. I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

- Bill Watterson


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31. Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.

- Zig Ziglar


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32. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

- Ellen DeGeneres


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33. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

- Groucho Marx


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34. Humor is reason gone mad.

- Groucho Marx


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35. People, generally, suck.

- Christopher Moore


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36. I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

- Matt Groening


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37. People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

- Christopher Paolini


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38. What religion I follow? It is called none-of-your-business.

- Ron Swanson


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39. I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them cats.

- Eckhart Tolle


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40. There is no sadness that cannot be cured by breakfast food.

- Ron Swanson


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41. Dear Frozen Yoghurt,

You are the celery of desserts.

Be Ice Cream, or be nothing.

- Ron Swanson


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42. Veganism is a sad result of a morally corrupt mind.

Reconsider your life.

- Ron Swanson


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43. Love is blind, it is the marriage that's the eye-opener.


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44. Love is like peeing your pants everyone can see it but only you can feel it.

Thanks for being the pee in my pants.


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45. I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.


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46. Don’t be ashamed of who you are.

That’s your parent’s job.


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47. I can only please one person a day.

Today isn’t your day.

Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.


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48. Confidence level: selfie with no filter.


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49. I’m on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it.


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50. “AF” is my favorite unit of measurement.


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51. Your hair is 90% of your selfie.


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52. When I drink alcohol… Everyone says I’m alcoholic. But… When I drink Fanta… No one says I’m fantastic.


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53. My life feels like a test, for which I skipped studying.


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54. How I feel when there is no coffee?

Depresso.


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55. Be proud of your extra pounds.

Studies state that fat people are harder to kidnap


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56. I’m not mad you told all my friends I’m a psycho. They’re my friends, they already know.


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57. This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.

This was terrible with raisins in it

- Dorothy Parker


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58. The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

- Dorothy Parker


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59. Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.

- Dorothy Parker


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60. I'm trying to figure out if I love art enough to be poor.

- Marina Keegan


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61. If you're falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly.

You've got nothing to lose.

- John Sheridan


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62. How can a living man be a person who has nothing to lose?

This is very absurd!

Even a dead man has something to lose: His coffin!

- Mehmet Murat Ildan


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63. I won't be impressed with technology until I can download Chocolate.


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64. Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.


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65. Allison: why would you give a knife to a child?
Diego: Claire felt unsafe
Allison: now i feel unsafe
Diego: I'm sorry
Diego: ... would you like a knife


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66. Hoseok: why do you watch so much murder stuff?
Yoongi: just in case you slip up.


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67. taehung: i'm so useless
yoongi: no you're not
yoongi: you can be used as a bad example


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68. Light: i have feelings for you
Misa: you do?
Light: yes. i feel you're a little bit annoying


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69. Gyro: alright so you and I are married
Johnny: we are not married
Gyro: it's a pretend.
Johnny: I don't wanna pretend
Gyro: scared you'll like it?
Johnny: okay if we're married, I want a divorce.
Diego: Are you two like this all the time?
Hot Pants: yes, they are.


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70. the quickest way to a man's heart is through 4th and 5th ribs


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71. Hephaestus: Sorry mom, called you by accident

Hera: No worries. Had you on accident


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72. A: [B], we tried things your way.
B: No, we didn't.
A: I did it in my head and it didn't work.


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73. A: Which movie are you and [C] going to see tonight?
B: Oh, I always go to whichever movie [C] wants.
A: Which one do they want to see?
B: I haven't decided yet.


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74. A: You think you're smarter than everyone else.
B: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.


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75. A: That sounds like a terrible plan.
B: Oh, we've had worse.


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76. A: *Answers phone.* Hello?
B: It's [B].
A: What did s/he do this time?
B: No, it's me, [B]. It's actually me.
A: What did you do this time?


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77. A: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.
B: And you came to me?


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78. A: Between C, D, E, and F -- if you had to -- who would you punch?
B: No one! They are my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.
A: E?
B: Yeah, but I don't know why.


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79. A: So what do you have planned for the future?
B: Lunch.
A: No, like long term.
B: Oh...um, dinner?


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80. A: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.
B: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.


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81. my love for you is like diarrhea - i just can't hold it in


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82. This whole life is a SHAWARMA and you are the Chef. To leave it as a normal shawarma, or turn it into a special tasty shawarma - it's in your hands.


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83. Don't give me your opinion give me SHAWARMA.


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84. Words cannot express how much I don't care.


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85. Vegetarian is an old Indian word for "Bad Hunter".


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86. Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.

- George Carlin


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87. My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.


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88. Me and my wife lives happily for 20 years. Then we met.


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89. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

- Henny Youngman


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90. If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?


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91. Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.

But when you fart just one time...


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92. Don't try to understand women.
Women understand women, that is why they hate each other.


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93. A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I Win!" and drove off.


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94. Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.


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95. I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.


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96. Dear Life,
When I said "can this day get any worse", it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.


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97. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

- Will Ferrell


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98. I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.


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99. Next time a stranger talks to you when you're alone, just look at them shocked and whisper,
"You can see me?"


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100. I may look like a potato now, but one day I'll turn into fries and you would want me then.


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101. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

- George Burns


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102. To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.


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103. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.


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104. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from


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105. My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her


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106. What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage


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107. Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”


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108. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.


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109. “What do we want?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

“When do we want them?”

“HEARING AIDS!”


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110. Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.


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111. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.


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112. “Dad, how do stars die?”
– “Usually an overdose.”


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Tags: Dark Jokes   |    Funny   |   



113. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Annoyingly Funny   |    Funny   |    Charity   |    Swimming   |   

114. An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?”

The student replied, “It is obviously past.”


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Funny   |    Sassy   |    Question   |    Lame Questions Answers   |   

115. My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Break   |    Funny   |   



116. Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Funny   |    Bully   |   

117. The three unwritten rules of life:

1.
2.
3.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Funny   |    Annoyingly Funny   |   

118. A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Funny   |    Blind   |   



119. I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Funny   |    Waste of Time   |    Time   |    Time Management   |   

120. My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Dark Jokes   |    Funny   |    Blood   |    Dumbness   |   

121. If I wanted to kill myself I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Funny   |    Sassy   |    Savage Comebacks   |    Kill   |    Suicide   |    Ego   |    Dumbness   |   



122. Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.


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Tags: Suicide   |    Funny   |   

123. Once some hunters were after an elephant. The elephant didn't know what to do. He met his friend, ant on the road.he told ant his problem.

She said: "Don't worry. Just hide behind me!!!"


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Tags: Ant and Elephant Jokes   |    Funny   |   

124. Question: What did the ant tell elephant and elephant went into coma

Answer: "I am pregnant with your baby"


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Ant and Elephant Jokes   |    Funny   |    Joke   |   



125. A boy goes up to a girl in a disco and says “Would you like to dance?” She says yes.

He says “great, can I have your chair then?”


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Tags: Dance Puns   |    Funny   |   

126. A Winter Poem...

Shit, it's cold.

The End.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Funny   |    Annoyingly Funny   |    Reality   |    Winter   |    Ice Puns   |   

127. So you want me to change who I am?


No, I just want you to hide who you are.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Savage Comebacks   |    Funny   |    TV Show Quotes   |    Who Am I   |   



128. I get so emotional when you're not around. That emotion is happiness.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Funny   |    Banter   |    Emotional   |    Happiness   |   

129. Today, you’re as helpful as the ‘g’ in lasagne.


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Tags: Lazy Coworker   |    Lasagne   |    Help   |    Lazy   |    Sassy   |    Grammar   |    Funny   |   

130. When you wish upon a star...
you're actually a few million years late.

The star is dead.

Just like your dreams.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Dark   |    Dark Jokes   |    Sarcastic   |    Stars   |    Dream   |    Funny   |   



131. Hello Doctor.

I already diagnosed myself on the Internet.

I am only here for a second opinion.


  whatsapp twitter ReadBeach Instagram    

Tags: Knee Replacement Surgery Jokes   |    Deep Jokes   |    Internet   |    Funny   |    Doctor   |    Science   |    Medicine   |   

132. A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow."

The doctor says,
"You've broken your hand."


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Tags: Knee Replacement Surgery Jokes   |    Funny   |    Doctor   |    Diagnosis   |    Football   |    Sports   |   

133. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.


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Tags: Knee Replacement Surgery Jokes   |    Funny   |    Lame   |    Weird   |    Poor Joke   |    Puns   |   



134. How can I put this… imagine if the Holocaust happened every four years like the Olympics. I would rather THAT happen than your rock opera.


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Tags: Bojack Horseman   |    Funny   |    Annoyingly Funny   |    Annoying People   |    Hate   |   

135. love when the washing machine gets to the angry part.

let it out girl.


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Tags: Let It Go   |    Screaming   |    Anger   |    Funny   |    Funny Motivational   |    Funny Instagram Captions   |    Funny Life   |