An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautif ...
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1. An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?”
The student replied, “It is obviously past.”
Tags: Funny | Sassy | Question | Lame Questions Answers |
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2. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry | Universe |
3. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
4. Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
Tags: Spirituality | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
5. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
6. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that make you think |
7. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
8. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
9. When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry | Thunder |
10. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
11. It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
12. “Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
13. If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry | Frog Puns |
14. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry | Deja Vu |
15. Few People are alive just because killing is illegal.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
16. I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!
Tags: Jealousy | Funny | Haters |
17. Your inappropriateness knows no boundaries.
Tags: Inappropriate | Funny | Dumbness |
18. What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel.
A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels.
And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON EARTH!
Tags: Angel | Peace | Funny | Funny Marriage |
19. I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
20. There are only two things in life that come without effort - failure and dandruff.
Tags: Failure | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
21. Just fight all your natural instincts and you will be great.
Tags: TV Show Quotes | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
22. Falling in love is a secret ambition, finding true love is the greatest tension, So follow the oldest tradition, And marry your parent's decision.
Tags: Love | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry | Traditions |
23. Food is the only beautiful thing that nourishes.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
24. Birthdays are a scam. They were invented by Hallmarks to sell cards.
Tags: TV Show Quotes | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry | Invention |
25. Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
26. There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
Tags: Funny | Hugot Lines in English | Minion | Meaningful | Quotes that will make you cry |
27. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
Tags: Minion | Tasteful | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
28. Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Tags: Science | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
29. Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
30. I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.
Tags: Love | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
31. Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.
Tags: Funny | Life | Minion | Believe in Yourself | Motivational | Quotes that will make you cry |
32. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry | Walking |
33. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Tags: Funny | Minion | Quotes that will make you cry |
34. Humor is reason gone mad.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
35. People, generally, suck.
Tags: Funny | Life | Minion | Quotes that will make you cry |
36. I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
37. People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
38. What religion I follow? It is called none-of-your-business.
Tags: Funny | Minion | Quotes that make you think | Meaningful | Quotes that will make you cry |
39. I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them cats.
Tags: Funny | Minion | Quotes that make you think | Meaningful | Quotes that will make you cry |
40. There is no sadness that cannot be cured by breakfast food.
Tags: Sadness | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
41. Dear Frozen Yoghurt,
You are the celery of desserts.
Be Ice Cream, or be nothing.
Tags: Minion | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
42. Veganism is a sad result of a morally corrupt mind.
Reconsider your life.
Tags: Vegan | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry | Consideration |
43. Love is blind, it is the marriage that's the eye-opener.
Tags: Marriage | Funny | Minion | Nikah | Quotes that will make you cry | Hugot Lines in English |
44. Love is like peeing your pants everyone can see it but only you can feel it.
Thanks for being the pee in my pants.
Tags: Love | Funny | Minion | Quotes that will make you cry | Hugot Lines in English |
45. I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
Tags: Funny | Lazy | Minion | Quotes that will make you cry | Hugot Lines in English |
46. Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parent’s job.
Tags: Self Love | Self Esteem | Sassy | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry | Who Am I |
47. I can only please one person a day.
Today isn’t your day.
Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.
Tags: Pleasing | Sassy | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
48. Confidence level: selfie with no filter.
Tags: Selfie | Social Media | Confidence | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
49. I’m on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it.
Tags: Weight Loss | Funny | Diet | Foodie | Quotes that will make you cry |
50. “AF” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Tags: Sassy | Social Media | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
51. Your hair is 90% of your selfie.
Tags: Selfie | Social Media | Hair | Sassy | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
52. When I drink alcohol… Everyone says I’m alcoholic. But… When I drink Fanta… No one says I’m fantastic.
Tags: Lame | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
53. My life feels like a test, for which I skipped studying.
Tags: Sassy | Life | Funny | Meaningful | Quotes that will make you cry |
54. How I feel when there is no coffee?
Depresso.
Tags: Coffee | Lame | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
55. Be proud of your extra pounds.
Studies state that fat people are harder to kidnap
Tags: Weight Loss | Funny | Diet | Foodie | Quotes that will make you cry |
56. I’m not mad you told all my friends I’m a psycho. They’re my friends, they already know.
Tags: Backbiting | Sassy | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
57. This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
This was terrible with raisins in it
Tags: Funny | Lame | Quotes that will make you cry |
58. The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
Tags: Parenting | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
59. Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.
Tags: Pessimism | Negativity | Funny | Sassy | Sarcastic | Inspirational Women | Instagram captions for Girls | Quotes that will make you cry |
60. I'm trying to figure out if I love art enough to be poor.
Tags: Funny | Art | Poor | Funny | Art | Poor | Figuring It Out | Social Entrepreneurship | Quotes that will make you cry | Aesthetic |
61. If you're falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly.
You've got nothing to lose.
Tags: Funny | Nothing To Lose | Loss | Flying | Quotes that will make you cry |
62. How can a living man be a person who has nothing to lose?
This is very absurd!
Even a dead man has something to lose: His coffin!
Tags: Funny | Nothing To Lose | Question | Absurd | Something To Lose | Quotes that will make you cry |
63. I won't be impressed with technology until I can download Chocolate.
Tags: Funny | Funny | Impressing | Hard To Impress | Chocolate | Quotes that will make you cry |
64. Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
Tags: Ugly | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry | Ugly Girl |
65. Allison: why would you give a knife to a child?
Diego: Claire felt unsafe
Allison: now i feel unsafe
Diego: I'm sorry
Diego: ... would you like a knife
Tags: Incorrect | Funny | Conversation | Quotes that will make you cry | Unsafe |
66. Hoseok: why do you watch so much murder stuff?
Yoongi: just in case you slip up.
Tags: Incorrect | Murder | Funny | Conversation | Savage Comebacks | Quotes that will make you cry |
67. taehung: i'm so useless
yoongi: no you're not
yoongi: you can be used as a bad example
Tags: Incorrect | You Are Not Special | Pity | Useless | Self Esteem | Self Respect | Believe in Yourself | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
68. Light: i have feelings for you
Misa: you do?
Light: yes. i feel you're a little bit annoying
Tags: Incorrect | Feelings | Funny | Savage Comebacks | Quotes that will make you cry |
69. Gyro: alright so you and I are married
Johnny: we are not married
Gyro: it's a pretend.
Johnny: I don't wanna pretend
Gyro: scared you'll like it?
Johnny: okay if we're married, I want a divorce.
Diego: Are you two like this all the time?
Hot Pants: yes, they are.
Tags: Incorrect | Marriage | Funny | Savage Comebacks | Pretending | Hypothetical | Divorce | Quotes that will make you cry |
70. the quickest way to a man's heart is through 4th and 5th ribs
Tags: Incorrect | Funny | Quick | Sarcastic | Quotes that will make you cry |
71. Hephaestus: Sorry mom, called you by accident
Hera: No worries. Had you on accident
Tags: Incorrect | Funny | Savage Comebacks | Call Your Mom | Quotes that will make you cry |
72. A: [B], we tried things your way.
B: No, we didn't.
A: I did it in my head and it didn't work.
Tags: Incorrect | Funny | Conversation | Sarcastic | Quotes that will make you cry |
73. A: Which movie are you and [C] going to see tonight?
B: Oh, I always go to whichever movie [C] wants.
A: Which one do they want to see?
B: I haven't decided yet.
Tags: Incorrect | Influencer | Mind Control | Funny | Quotes that will make you cry |
74. A: You think you're smarter than everyone else.
B: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.
Tags: Incorrect | Funny | Savage Comebacks | Cocky | Smart | Trying To Be Smart | Quotes that will make you cry |
75. A: That sounds like a terrible plan.
B: Oh, we've had worse.
Tags: Incorrect | Terrible | Planning | Worst | Funny | Conversation | Quotes that will make you cry |
76. A: *Answers phone.* Hello?
B: It's [B].
A: What did s/he do this time?
B: No, it's me, [B]. It's actually me.
A: What did you do this time?
Tags: Incorrect | Conversation | Funny | Blunt | Quotes that will make you cry |
77. A: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.
B: And you came to me?
Tags: Incorrect | Blunt | Funny | Conversation | Quotes that will make you cry |
78. A: Between C, D, E, and F -- if you had to -- who would you punch?
B: No one! They are my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.
A: E?
B: Yeah, but I don't know why.
Tags: Incorrect | Funny | Annoying People | Conversation | Quotes that will make you cry |
79. A: So what do you have planned for the future?
B: Lunch.
A: No, like long term.
B: Oh...um, dinner?
Tags: Incorrect | Funny | Annoyingly Funny | Sarcastic | Conversation | Quotes that will make you cry |
80. A: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.
B: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.
Tags: Incorrect | Funny | Annoyingly Funny | Quiet | Rude | Savage Comebacks | Blunt | Quotes that will make you cry |
81. my love for you is like diarrhea - i just can't hold it in
Tags: Flirty | Funny | Annoyingly Funny | Diarrhea | Love Quotes for Her |
82. This whole life is a SHAWARMA and you are the Chef. To leave it as a normal shawarma, or turn it into a special tasty shawarma - it's in your hands.
Tags: Shawarma | Funny | Funny Life | Funny Food |
83. Don't give me your opinion give me SHAWARMA.
Tags: Shawarma | Funny | Opinion | Funny Food | Foodie |
84. Words cannot express how much I don't care.
Tags: I Dont Care | Careless | Funny | Savage Comebacks |
85. Vegetarian is an old Indian word for "Bad Hunter".
Tags: Vegetarian | Funny | Vegan | Word Meaning |
86. Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.
Tags: Bullshit | Glue | Nation | Political | Funny | Sarcasm |
87. My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.
Tags: Funny Wife | Expensive | Funny |
88. Me and my wife lives happily for 20 years. Then we met.
Tags: Funny Wife | Funny | Twisted |
89. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Tags: Funny Wife | Kill | Cooking | Funny |
90. If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
Tags: Funny | Question | Wonderful | Quotes that make you think | Lame Questions Answers |
91. Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...
Tags: Funny | Crying | Quotes that will make you cry | Worry | Pain | Happy | Smile captions for Instagram | Smile | Fart | Sad but Funny |
92. Don't try to understand women.
Women understand women, that is why they hate each other.
Tags: Understanding Women | Funny | Funny Wife |
93. A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I Win!" and drove off.
Tags: Funny | Annoyingly Funny | Police | Paper |
94. Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Tags: Funny | Singing | Shower |
95. I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.
Tags: Funny | Stupid | Retarded |
96. Dear Life,
When I said "can this day get any worse", it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Tags: Funny | Funny Life | Rhetorical | Question | Challenge |
97. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
Tags: Funny | Funny Marriage | Slow | Patience |
98. I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Tags: Funny | All is Well | Funny Life |
99. Next time a stranger talks to you when you're alone, just look at them shocked and whisper,
"You can see me?"
100. I may look like a potato now, but one day I'll turn into fries and you would want me then.
Tags: Sad but Funny | Potato | French Fries | Beauty | Dapper | Sad Love | Funny Love | Funny |
101. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Tags: Happiness | Funny | Relatives | City |
102. To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.
Tags: Funny | Funny Memes | Retarded |
103. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
Tags: Funny Wife | Funny | Funny Love |
104. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from
Tags: Funny | Joke | Menstruation | Embarassment |
105. My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry
So I threw a coconut at her
106. What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage
Tags: Funny | Dark Jokes |
107. Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”
Tags: Funny | Funny Movie Quotes |
108. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Tags: Funny | Sad but Funny | Ugly | Unattractive | Money | Less Money |
109. “What do we want?”
“HEARING AIDS!”
“When do we want them?”
“HEARING AIDS!”
Tags: Funny |
110. Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
Tags: Funny | Diarrhea | Yuck |
111. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Tags: Funny | Job | Losing Job |
112. “Dad, how do stars die?”
– “Usually an overdose.”
Tags: Dark Jokes | Funny |
113. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.
Tags: Annoyingly Funny | Funny | Charity | Swimming |
114. An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?”
The student replied, “It is obviously past.”
Tags: Funny | Sassy | Question | Lame Questions Answers |
115. My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.
116. Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
117. The three unwritten rules of life:
1.
2.
3.
Tags: Funny | Annoyingly Funny |
118. A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
119. I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
Tags: Funny | Waste of Time | Time | Time Management |
120. My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
Tags: Dark Jokes | Funny | Blood | Dumbness |
121. If I wanted to kill myself I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ
Tags: Funny | Sassy | Savage Comebacks | Kill | Suicide | Ego | Dumbness |
122. Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
123. Once some hunters were after an elephant. The elephant didn't know what to do. He met his friend, ant on the road.he told ant his problem.
She said: "Don't worry. Just hide behind me!!!"
Tags: Ant and Elephant Jokes | Funny |
124. Question: What did the ant tell elephant and elephant went into coma
Answer: "I am pregnant with your baby"
Tags: Ant and Elephant Jokes | Funny | Joke |
125. A boy goes up to a girl in a disco and says “Would you like to dance?” She says yes.
He says “great, can I have your chair then?”
Tags: Dance Puns | Funny |
126. A Winter Poem...
Shit, it's cold.
The End.
Tags: Funny | Annoyingly Funny | Reality | Winter | Ice Puns |
127. So you want me to change who I am?
No, I just want you to hide who you are.
Tags: Savage Comebacks | Funny | TV Show Quotes | Who Am I |
128. I get so emotional when you're not around. That emotion is happiness.
Tags: Funny | Banter | Emotional | Happiness |
129. Today, you’re as helpful as the ‘g’ in lasagne.
Tags: Lazy Coworker | Lasagne | Help | Lazy | Sassy | Grammar | Funny |
130. When you wish upon a star...
you're actually a few million years late.
The star is dead.
Just like your dreams.
Tags: Dark | Dark Jokes | Sarcastic | Stars | Dream | Funny |
131. Hello Doctor.
I already diagnosed myself on the Internet.
I am only here for a second opinion.
Tags: Knee Replacement Surgery Jokes | Deep Jokes | Internet | Funny | Doctor | Science | Medicine |
132. A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow."
The doctor says,
"You've broken your hand."
Tags: Knee Replacement Surgery Jokes | Funny | Doctor | Diagnosis | Football | Sports |
133. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
Tags: Knee Replacement Surgery Jokes | Funny | Lame | Weird | Poor Joke | Puns |
134. How can I put this… imagine if the Holocaust happened every four years like the Olympics. I would rather THAT happen than your rock opera.
Tags: Bojack Horseman | Funny | Annoyingly Funny | Annoying People | Hate |
135. love when the washing machine gets to the angry part.
let it out girl.
Tags: Let It Go | Screaming | Anger | Funny | Funny Motivational | Funny Instagram Captions | Funny Life |