A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors ...
1. A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I Win!" and drove off.
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2. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
3. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
4. Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
5. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
6. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
7. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
8. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
9. When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.
10. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
11. It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
12. “Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
13. If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.
14. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
15. Few People are alive just because killing is illegal.
16. I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!
17. Your inappropriateness knows no boundaries.
18. What do u call a woman in heaven?
A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels.
And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON EARTH!
19. I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.
20. There are only two things in life that come without effort - failure and dandruff.
21. Just fight all your natural instincts and you will be great.
22. Falling in love is a secret ambition, finding true love is the greatest tension, So follow the oldest tradition, And marry your parent's decision.
23. Food is the only beautiful thing that nourishes.
24. Birthdays are a scam. They were invented by Hallmarks to sell cards.
25. Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.
26. There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
27. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
28. Black holes are where God divided by zero.
29. Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
30. I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.
31. Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.
32. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
33. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
34. Humor is reason gone mad.
35. People, generally, suck.
36. I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.
37. People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.
38. What religion I follow? It is called none-of-your-business.
39. I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them cats.
40. There is no sadness that cannot be cured by breakfast food.
41. Dear Frozen Yoghurt,
You are the celery of desserts.
Be Ice Cream, or be nothing.
42. Veganism is a sad result of a morally corrupt mind.
Reconsider your life.
43. Love is blind, it is the marriage that's the eye-opener.
44. Love is like peeing your pants everyone can see it but only you can feel it.
Thanks for being the pee in my pants.
45. I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
46. Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parent’s job.
47. I can only please one person a day.
Today isn’t your day.
Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.
48. Confidence level: selfie with no filter.
49. I’m on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it.
50. “AF” is my favorite unit of measurement.
51. Your hair is 90% of your selfie.
52. When I drink alcohol… Everyone says I’m alcoholic. But… When I drink Fanta… No one says I’m fantastic.
53. My life feels like a test, for which I skipped studying.
54. How I feel when there is no coffee?
55. Be proud of your extra pounds.
Studies state that fat people are harder to kidnap
56. I’m not mad you told all my friends I’m a psycho. They’re my friends, they already know.
57. This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
This was terrible with raisins in it
58. The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
59. Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.
60. I'm trying to figure out if I love art enough to be poor.
61. If you're falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly.
You've got nothing to lose.
62. How can a living man be a person who has nothing to lose?
This is very absurd!
Even a dead man has something to lose: His coffin!